Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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