I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
