I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
