she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Randomize
