Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
