I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
