So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
so much tequila, so little girl.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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