I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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