No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
