y did u give ur computer a hand job?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
