I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
