I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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