My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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