i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The uberlube is also flammable
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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