you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
