my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Couch. On fire.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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