I wannas sexs uuuuu
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
