I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
