So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
