In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
