I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
this hospital has no fireball
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
