I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
