well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
