I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
