i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
