I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
