some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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