Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
