I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
