I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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