We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
