The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Houston, we have a squirter
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
