Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
