I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
