Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
