You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
