I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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