I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
