ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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