apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
