He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Randomize
