Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
