Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
