shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
