he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
