My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
