On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
