Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
