life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
