it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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