I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
