I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
what the fuck happened to the tacos
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
