this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
