my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
