I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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