just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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