someone threw a dead crab at me
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
