During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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