I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
